Experiment #876: The Clean Sweep (variation)

Tags: (these are terms and concepts discussed and observed in this experiment)
agitated indigenous people: behavior of, handling of;habitat management strategies; brave face: wearing of; shit: interaction with proverbial fans, walking on, cramming of, disposal of, donating of, saying of, taking of (refer to brave face: wearing of) NOTE: all references to the tag: shit will appear in [****].

RELATED EXPERIMENTS: #724:Full Toy Removal (2 week duration), #644a:"Fire Drills" (for daily routines), #644b:"Fire Drills" (for common processes), #882:Quantum Physics Applied to the Child's Tantrum


So, there is always a ton of [stuff] lying around the boys' room. As you know the available floor space in their room is 3'x7'. Seriously...they put IKEA to shame with their ability to fit 2 tons of [stuff] into an itty bitty living space.

You can still get into the room, if you don't mind walking on ninja/batman/wolverine/storm trooper costumes, bionicle pieces, lego space ships, assorted action heroes, winter coats, last night's pajamas, calvin&hobbes books, library books, today's clothes from the 4 clothing changes (see above costume list), and let's not forget all the tiny bits of what-have-you-picked-up-off-the-floor-in-Home-Depot.

I've tried reminders, giving information, nagging, bitching, moaning, which have all had varying success rates. But lately they've been developing a resistance to the usual tactics, which prompts me to say, "[crap]."

Time to bring in the big guns all stealthy like (cue Smooth Operator" music possibly sung by Jack Black and....now).

I've decided to do a variation of "The Clean Sweep". Every time I see clothes, shoes, coats etc. on the floor, I put them in a garbage bag in an undisclosed location. I've been doing this for 4 days and no one has even noticed until this morning when Isaac got up.

It was cold last night so he is wanting his warm, soft, fuzzy bathrobe. As I hear him searching high and low in his room, I'm thinking "the [stuff's] gonna hit the fan." And it did.


Isaac started out agitated, moved on to upset; vacillated between incredulous and indignant; then camped out at furious and loud.

"Where is my robe? I can't find it. I'm cold."
"hmm...did you check where its supposed to be hung up?"
"It's not there!"
"I probably found it on your floor the other day. When I see things on the floor, I put them away, because I assume you don't want things you aren't taking good care of."
"WHAT?!! Where is it? Give me my ROBE! I'm cold!" At this point he is stomping and getting red-faced.
"Yes, it is definitely cold this morning. Maybe try your coat instead."
He looks around..."My coat isn't anywhere either! You're taking all of my stuff away from me! And I'm cold!"
"I think there are other sweat shirts hanging up on the back of your door. Those are warm."

He grabbed Sean's coat and started to put it on, but Sean protested. Isaac took it off and threw it on the floor. Sean said, "Isaac don't throw my stuff on the ground then MY stuff's gonna get put away!" and promptly hung it up exactly were it goes.

Isaac stomped, stormed, yelled and door slammed for what seemed like 45 minutes. At one point he threw himself onto our bed and yelled all of his objections into the pillows. Sigh of relief. They were all G rated. He quieted down, so I thought maybe he was ready to talk. I sat next to him and said,
"You seem really angry right now."
"I AM!!! You shouldn't take my stuff. That's not right!!!!"
"If you want to talk about it, I will answer any questions you have and I will always tell you the truth."
"I'M SO ANGRY AT YOU RIGHT NOW I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE NOOOOOOOOSE!!!!"
"That's understandable. You have a lot to be angry about right now. If I were you, I think I'd probably be angry, too. I respect you for not punching me in the nose even though you really feel like it."
I left the room. He was still fuming.

We continued eating our waffles and enjoyed our breakfast conversation. Trey told him we missed him at the table. Isaac (now wearing a wool sweater), trudged in, grabbed his plate and stomped out to the patio to eat his breakfast. But came right back in because it was about 38 degrees outside.

This whole time, I'm wearing my brave face, which is determined and empathetic. But inside, I'm scared and thinking, "am I screwing up my kid right now, is he ever going to calm down, is he going to hate me forever, am I expecting too much, am I doing the right thing?"

Eventually, Isaac went to his room. After a few minutes all of the slamming and banging around stopped. A little while later, he came out of his room in a completely different state of mind; ready to face the day without his coat and bathrobe.

I cleaned up the dishes. He ate his cold waffles. We sat down on the couch and read our read-aloud book and laughed our butts off. A half hour later, Isaac wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the nose. He leaned back and smiled a warm missing toothy smile and said, "I love you, Mommy."


Thoughts on what I'm learning from Experiment # 876: Clean Sweep (variation)

#1. Kids need a safe place to experience big emotions. Kids are feeling deep, raw, unguarded emotion when they are angry and frustrated. The thing is, they don't have a lot of skills to help them deal with the feelings. So they just go buck wild. If they can be angry and it doesn't change everything (i.e. the adults don't get loud and angry too; the morning doesn't get "ruined") then they get the message that their anger isn't scary or too big or too powerful. If their emotions can "cause" their parents to scream back and wreck the day, then that kind of power is SCARY and HUGE.

#2. True empathy goes a long way. If I can put myself in their little shoes and see what it feels like to run into the brick walls of life lessons for the first time, I can truly give empathetic responses to their thoughts and feelings.

#3. Let them see my brave face. When the storm passes, go cry in my room with the door closed and imagine a day when they call me to thank me for all of the [stuff] I put up with while raising them. I called mom around age 26. Only 18 more years to go.

#4. At first, Isaac really didn't know what to do with himself when it hit him what was going on. It felt really good to honor the time it took for him to sort out the situation and his feelings. It felt right to give him respect and space even though it was hard for me to stay quiet and just let him be.

#5. I didn't need to explain any more than I did. He knew. I'm going to start waiting for him to ask for an explanation instead of constantly trying to "get him to understand". I recently watched Karate Kid. I'm learning, Mr. Miyagi! Let the understanding dawn. BONSAI!!!

UPDATE: 3 DAYS LATER
I've collected 3 garbage bags of [stuff]. Most recent acquisition: Isaac's prized Heelys. Not looking forward to that discovery.

If they ever do ask for an explanation, I'm all practiced up at saying:

"I've noticed you're having a hard time keeping up with all of your things. You have too many coats, pairs of shoes and clothes to take good care of them all. I've decided to put some things away so that you don't have so much to deal with. I am not doing this to punish you for throwing things on the floor. I think you'll be able to put things in their places when you have the right amount of things to manage."

In 2 weeks I'll lay out the [stuff] I've put away and let them choose the things they feel ready to take good care of.

After a month or two, whatever [stuff] has never been chosen, we'll consider giving to Good Will.